The view from my perch on the mountain

New Arrival in My Inbox

Isn’t e-mail great? Time and time again I’ll be wracking my brain for something to blog about and BAM! a friend or family member sends me something that I just have to share. Here’s the latest, sent to me by my darling bride.

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in
the cab.’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs and I was in the wrong one.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths.’ I
instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
‘massive internal fart.’

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with One of his
medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked. ‘The patch. The Nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,’ How long
have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion she answered
‘Why, not for about twenty years when my husband was alive.’

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up
on a man I asked ‘So how’s your breakfast this morning?’ ‘It’s very good
except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste.’  Bob
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet
labeled KY Jelly.

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting  a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It  was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that
read ‘ Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the
surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said ‘Sorry,  we
had to mow the lawn.’

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon
whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said ‘I’m sorry.
Was I tickling you?’ She replied with tears running down her cheeks from
laughing so hard ‘No doctor but the song you were whistling was ‘I
wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’

9. A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. ‘Breast-fed, ‘ she replied.
‘Well, strip down to your waist, ‘ the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched
her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very
professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the
doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, But I’m glad I came.’

By this time you are probably wondering how I manage to publish things like this from my padded cell I offer the following as proof that I’m not totally out of my mind……yet: Virginia Through My Lens

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3 responses

  1. My vote: #9!

    January 16, 2011 at 10:19 AM

  2. arlene

    Off to bed chuckling Chip

    January 16, 2011 at 5:36 PM

  3. Sums guys up very well! lol 😉

    January 17, 2011 at 12:36 PM

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